He’s three messages in when it happens. “Hey babe, how’s your day going?” And just like that—ick. Cancelled. I don’t even need to see what comes next because I already know: the vibe is off, the energy is wrong, and whatever potential existed sixty seconds ago has evaporated completely. A petname too soon is automatic disqualification. He won’t even know why.
This has been the recurring theme of my love life lately—a timeline of I like him and then boom, the ick strikes. Swift. Merciless. Total shutdown.
It’s strange to see how fast the shift can happen, from the giggles to full blown uncertainty, and how powerless you feel when it strikes. I don’t think this makes me dramatic or emotionally stunted or allergic to commitment (although this may be debatable). I think the ick is doing this on purpose. It shows up before any logic of your brain can do its thing, before the excuse kicks in and you convince yourself to “give him a chance.”
Maybe sometimes, that’s the point: your gut clocks it before your brain can process it.
What is the ick?
The ick is used to describe a feeling of disgust that arises towards a love interest, usually after a specific, often trivial, behaviour. Popular podcast The Psychology of Your 20s by Jemma Sbeg breaks down the trend. She gets into how icks are tied to emotional availability, less about the person and more about you *ouch*.
@maddy_macrae_ Girls when they get the ick 😭 #comedy #skit #dating #single #relationships #talkingphase #datingapps #tinder #hinge ♬ original sound – Maddy
But, they can also be a sign of not being united, and your subconscious is picking at things to show you he isn’t the one. That’s not to say your icks are always valid; rather, it’s a testament to listening to yourself and making the distinction between your fears and your reality.
The rise of ick culture online
Sometimes, the ick isn’t simply a dating hiccup. It’s the way we process attraction: fast, sometimes merciless, and passing. Is that necessarily a bad thing? There are many versions of the ick online. For the uninitiated, let me break it down. Some are small, barely noticeable, perhaps even laughable, what we call “new ick unlocked” type. Maybe they do something tiny and mundane and BAM… instant ick. Don’t worry, these can (usually) be overcome…
@oliviadeanoz Lowkey agree @Olivia Dean 🤣 #oliviadean #oliviadeano #oliviadeantour #icks ♬ original sound – Oliviadeanoz
Then there are the larger ones, the all-consuming, can’t look away, car-crash waiting to happen. Chewing with their mouths open? Immediate no. Rude to waiters? Literally, why are you like this? Those icks are not going away anytime soon— nor should they if we’re being honest.
Some icks are niche, borderline quirky. Take Olivia Dean, rising singer-songwriter whose biggest ick is seeing a man with a water bottle in his back pocket (new ick unlocked, thank you Olivia!). Actress Millie Bobby Brown confessed on Call Her Daddy that she can’t stand being picked up from the airport–a cute and romantic gesture turned revolting. Tiny, minor things, huge impacts.
@callherdaddy Millie unlocked a new ick 🤯
Is the Ick actually bad?
Beyond the funny stories and viral videos, the ick can hit in a genuine way that challenges the way you see your connections, and perhaps even yourself.
As internationally acclaimed author and podcast host Mel Robbins explains, those gut impressions can be quiet signs that your relationship isn’t aligned with your values or emotional needs. It’s not always a red flag or instant dealbreaker; sometimes, your instinct is just telling you to stop, observe, zoom out and pay attention. You might just be with the wrong person, or you could be with the love of your life and just have to push past that fear.
The ick goes way beyond a social media buzzword. It can be a mirror to your deeper patterns. An iteration of the ick has existed for decades, from red flags we obsess over today to classic courtship in the 18th and 19th centuries, where some behaviours immediately disqualified a suitor. It even shows up in old literature, like Jane Eyre’s instant dislike for Rochester’s personality traits (although spoiler alert, she marries him in the end).
All this to say, relationships need a moment of clarity. Do you want this? Can you move past it?
Can it be overcome?
I’m sure we’ve all put up with little icky things here and there. Not necessarily with a partner but friends, family, roommates, colleagues, or even fashion icks. It’s simply a part of life to notice little things that may irritate us.
I know sometimes I can jump the gun. The ick has been my go-to exit route, an easy escape and excuse. But part of me also believes that with the right person, the instinct won’t feel like revulsion— it’ll feel like ease. If not ease, then at least something I can get over like Jane did with Rochester.
Next for all the lover girls, read about dating with ADHD.