Here's why you keep going back to toxic relationships

He loves me, he loves me not...
Here's why you keep going back to toxic relationships
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Five-second rule: if it won't matter in five years, do not waste five more seconds on it.

What is a toxic relationship? Does it mean that your partner is abusive or gaslights you? Does it mean both of you are not good for each other? Or could it possibly mean - just maybe - that you are the toxic one?

Eckhart Tolle is a spiritual teacher and best-selling author. He’s been on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday numerous times - and every time is better than the one before. In most of his teachings, he speaks of something he calls “pain-body”. In layman’s terms, pain-body is that old emotional pain that is carried around inside a person, and loves using these emotions to control our thinking.

Let’s preface this by saying that it takes phenomenal courage to identify a toxic relationship when you see yourself in one. There’s something about the human mind that just tends to say “Oh no, they love me. They would never do that to me.” It then takes a tremendous amount of strength to get yourself out of that relationship.

Now what?

To those who have the willpower and confidence to stay away from the relationship and not go back, we commend you. But what about those who somehow always find their way back to where they fought so hard to leave? See mental health is a tricky thing. There are so many factors that play into these scenarios.

By definition, insecurity means uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence. That definition does not do that emotion justice. Insecurities can stem from multiple sources, such as your parents, your school, your friends; in all honesty the list can be endless. That very list also leads to your own personal love language and pain-body. (It’s a lot to take in all at once, we know.)

So now you’re heartbroken, insecure, going against your love language, feeding your pain-body and bippity boppity boo-ing back to that person you know is no good for you.

Mental health is a tricky thing. It can get really dark, almost as fast as it got bright and sunny. It can shatter your confidence and make you weak, but it can also strengthen your love, compassion, empathy and understanding. It is a choice we have to make. 

I’m not here to tell you how to be perfectly mentally healthy. We’re human and there’s so much beauty in that. What I am here to tell you is that you need to be mindful and properly nurture your mind and soul. You need to not allow your insecurities of “dying alone” to steer you back to that unhealthy relationship. You need to acknowledge your pain-body and accept it. Wield it in your favour. Trust yourself.

And most of all, you need to ask yourself: “Will it matter in five years?”, because I guarantee you most of the time the answer is “probably not”.

So don’t waste five more seconds on it.