When you’re standing face-to-face (or preferably face-to-chest) with your husband on your wedding day, it’s usually because of the hard work of your girlfriends. Sure, your parents may have footed the bill and maybe even pushed the engagement in the first place, but when it comes to creating secret Instagrams to stalk your partners, deciphering what he really means when he texts that he’s “tired,” and sometimes even convincing you to finally say “yes” despite that meaning you’d have to live with a man (gross) — your girls deserve all the credit.
So why is that when women say “I do” to their husbands, they’re usually saying “I don’t” to their girlfriends?
Why are newly married women ghosting the group chat?
Through TikTok videos, Reddit threads, and Facebook posts, Arab and South Asian women have opened up about coming to terms with losing their girlfriends after marriage. And although each situation is unique, there’s a recurring theme: something just “changes” after someone gets married. Spoiler alert: it’s the bride’s priorities.
“Once a woman gets married, her family and the culture often expect her to prioritise her partnership and her marriage above other relationships,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, an Iranian American therapist. “Those friendships don’t receive the same care and attention they may have before.” And this doesn’t mean occasionally forgetting to text back or being busy from time to time. Many women who come from traditional backgrounds get married and make their primary identity (and Instagram bio) “wife” and just stop bothering to be a good friend altogether. They stop putting effort into meeting up, flake on longstanding bestie rituals, and even cancel important plans to hang with their husbands. It’s as if “friend” has no more space in their identity.
And because this is so normalised, women just dump their friends without notice and move on. Without even bothering to have a conversation about why, they stop making plans, calling back, and remembering important details. They assume that the friend should just “understand.” But why should anyone, especially someone who spent years showing you companionship and love, accept that they’re nothing more than a placeholder to a future spouse?
He just can’t be your ‘everything’
By dumping your friends, you’re dumping integral parts of who you are. And if you’re someone who notices that they’re letting their friendships slip through the cracks post-marriage, consider this your official wake-up call: Don’t!
Your marriage may be the most fulfilling, centring part of your life. I mean, of course, you may want a partner that is your rock, your support, and your friend all in one. But your partners weren’t meant to be your “everything” (even if you did make that his name in your phone). Saba explains that other social systems need to be put in place so that your relationships feel balanced.
“Friendships can actually support your ability to show up for your family and your partnership, and they ensure that you’re not putting undue pressure on a spouse to be and do everything,” she says.
Plus, who are you going to call when your mother-in-law drives you crazy or you realise your husband doesn’t really know what a duvet is?
How to be a good friend
Yes, it’s true that your friendship might not look exactly the same post-marriage. As you get older and settle into new roles (“wife”, “mother”, maybe even “caretaker” for your parents), your responsibilities change. But just as you’re learning to live this new life with a man intertwined into every aspect, you can learn how to adjust with the new realities of your friendship without abandoning it completely.
“This might mean having an honest conversation about what’s realistic now in terms of time and availability, and finding new rhythms that work for this season of life,” Saba says. Maybe this means setting a standing monthly date for a girls’ night or making sure you prioritise a callback. I’m telling you: whatever it takes to keep your girlfriends in your lives is worth it.
Women are often told that their lives have to revolve around a man. But they are meant for more than that. Women deserve to be more than just “wives.” You were an entire person with meaningful relationships before you ever even met your husband — and you owe it to that person (and her friends!) to continue to water those friendships in this new phase of life. Plus, wouldn’t a partner that really loved you and respected you want you to honour the women who helped you become the person you are today?
And let’s be real: Is he dropping his friends for you?