As a young Gen Z Arab, the pressure to be a bride can be rather overwhelming and tiresome, as if your entire existence as an Arab woman is to be trained up like a show pony for its one big circus appearance. Whether you’re an Arab living in the region or in the diaspora, it’s not easy to explain to your family that marriage might not be for you. You might prioritise something else over a relationship, or you might envision an alternative relationship for yourself. Whatever it is, you don’t need to feel guilty for wanting to break away from tradition. 

POV: You’re at your seventh wedding of the year. You’re innocently queuing up at the buffet. As you scan around the room, you spot your relative making a b-line for you. Here we go again. “Haa habibti?! Inshallah yawmich!” (“God willing your day will come!”)

If you’ve ever experienced something similar to this, congratulations: you’re an Arab. Probably young, probably female. “3aroosa!” (“Bride!”) is the familiar warning call from distant relatives that you’ve literally never met before to arm yourself with your wedding defense tactic. I like to go with the smile and nod but you probably have your own nailed by now. 

As the world becomes more secular, marriage numbers have begun to dwindle. Gen Z, those born between 1997 and 2015, are the most likely to adopt an anti-marriage attitude, which Kirby Harris, features editor of the Queen’s Journal, cites as owing to our “changing social structures”.

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22-year-old Maaria Hatia, echoes this, telling me that she thinks that “Gen-Z are less inclined to get married because society has shifted a lot in the last ten years. The concept of marriage doesn’t seem like such a huge priority compared to establishing a career for ourselves”.

And it’s no secret that young Arab women are finding their studies, their careers and freedom of creative expression through social media, fashion and popular culture more rewarding than what can often be toxic or intimidating marriage ideals. 

Even the Arab world, with our marriage-obsessed culture, is seeing numbers slowly dwindle: last year, it was reported that over 66 per cent of Saudi Arabia’s Gen Z and Millenial population (aged 15-34) were not married. But despite the facts and figures, Arabs still love to say “I do.” Marriage is still an undeniable part of our cultures, a “rite of passage to enter adulthood” as Alya Mooro calls it in her book The Greater Freedom, and it can’t be ignored.

“It’s been a barrier to so many goals in my life that I only see marriage being a negative thing in my future,” says Aysha, whose name has been changed for this piece. She is one of many who haven’t told their parents about their views on marriage, or the lack thereof, as she is “afraid of disappointment and how they would disapprove of my decision and be resentful.” 

Of course, parents and relatives most probably aren’t going to look at your decision favourably. But you can influence the conversation to highlight how marriage and relationships aren’t what they used to be, and your parents are living in a starkly different world to the one you live in.

Begin by speaking their language. Show your family that you understand why marriage is so important to them; disrespecting their ideas of relationships and family life will only make them less inclined to listen to your views or take them seriously. And at the end of the day, most of them have our best interests at heart, and deeply care about our safety and happiness. That’s probably why they think marriage is such a great idea in the first place. So let them know that whilst you’re able to respect the idea of marriage, it wouldn’t make you personally happy. Like Nadia says; despite her parents loving the idea of them having grandchildren one day, she says they also don’t want Nadia to be with someone who makes her unhappy.

Because religious traditions are still at the core of most Arab marriages, it can be difficult to explain how you can still respect your faith and choose to not marry. Maaria is a practising Muslim who cites her faith as the most important thing to her. And she believes marriage isn’t for her: “I can’t imagine myself compromising any part of my life, nor would I ever want to.”

Maaria says that her father supports her decision, but her Bahraini mother at first, seemed “upset and disappointed” with the idea of her not marrying, “and she still doesn’t understand why I would want to adopt and raise a child alone,” Maaria explains, “but I think she has come to terms with it being about what I want,” showing that her lifestyle choices mean she is able to both practice or respect her religion and prioritise herself over a marriage. 

And if it’s money and stability on their mind, remind them that marrying for the sake of financial stability doesn’t always work out so happily-ever-after. Instead, it might be more fulfilling to support yourself and find your own financial freedom. Nadia (whose name has also been changed) thinks that marriage is “something that has been historically used as a tool to subjugate women in relationships with men.”

She doesn’t believe that she will find someone who respects and understands her wholly and with who she would feel comfortable raising kids. “I think current society revolves around being in a couple in order to afford housing and food and have fun,” she explains. “People can be happy and fulfilled alone but is it financially possible for all those who want to?” Therefore, Nadia is working hard right now so that she can afford to grow older alone “and support the people around me should needs be,” she tells me. “If I happen to find someone and decide to have kids later, then I guess that’ll happen.”

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Because marriage is valued more than most things in Arab culture, Maaria still finds herself constantly answering aunties’ questions “as to why I would prefer to support myself independently,” she tells me. But you can set yourself boundaries; if you can feel marriage-talk in the air at your next family gathering, you don’t have to get stuck on the to-or-not-to-be-a-bride scenario.

You can choose to steer the conversation in another direction, like discussing your studies, your career, or your hobbies, showing how fulfilled you can feel without a ring on your finger. And remember that you can’t please everyone. Sure, it can be tough in Arab cultures to hold such a view. But if marriage isn’t for you, don’t feel like you have to tire yourself out explaining why. 

Graphics created by Hanan Ali