Some girls say ‘yay’ and others ‘nay’. Team Cosmo weighs in, gets a guy’s opinion and an expert to tell you like it is. What would you do?
Remember The Rules? If you don’t, here’s a recap: Be easy to be with but hard to get. There’s a lot more to the book than just that, but the gist of it is that a woman should always be the chased one, not the chaser. Making the first move is a Rules disaster and definitely land you in dating hot water, aka no man’s land. But then again, The Rules was written in 1995, way before millennials were in the dating game. A lot has changed since then. Does the conservative rule book still apply? Team Cosmo tells you why it does, and sometimes doesn’t. Which side are you on?
NO!
Kavita Srinivasan, Editor in Chief
Men and women are cut from different cloth and while I’m a total feminist, I believe in gender roles. Biologically, men are hunters – they’re programmed to seek out what they want. Let’s face it, instant gratification kills the thrill of the chase. If a man likes you, he will seek you out. If you make the first move, you’re almost going against nature, giving away your power and letting him know you’re attracted to him so he won’t need to make the extra effort to win you over. Men can become super lazy once they know they ‘have’ you. The more accessible you are, the less interested he will be – it’s primal nature! Isn’t it true that you value something more when you work for it? Let him break a sweat and work it, girl.
YES!
Nina Catt, Freelance Editor
It’s 2018, people! As women, we now (more than ever) exist in an era where we can speak up for ourselves. This is our moment. You may assume that I’m a total feminist, but I’m not. I believe in EQUALITY and I think it’s ludicrous to sit back and hope that a guy you like will ask you out. Dating is a two-way street. I wholeheartedly live by the rule that if you want something in life, you should take control and go for it – including making the first move. I once asked my best friend for the phone number of her boyfriend’s housemate. I sent him a text and asked if he’d like to meet for a drink. He ended up asking me to marry him and we’ve been together for 13 years now.
Just because you have (or may have worked up) the confidence to make the first move, I strongly believe it will have zero effect on how the relationship might turn out, or how the guy will end up viewing you. Go get ’em, girl.
MAYBE?
Chloe Bosher, Fashion & Beauty Editor
Honestly, there’s no black and white answer to this sort of question. It totally depends on the guy and the situation. The millennial dating rules are more gender non-specific than days when The Rules came out. There are apps like Bumble where women get to speak first! Other apps have blurred the lines even further as face-to-face convos no longer exist. Is messaging him first a bold move or just normal now? After you meet a guy on the first date, say he pays for the bill… present-day millennial manners dictate a ‘thank you’ … but is that too forward? Honestly, it’s all so confusing and makes finding The One today even harder! Take me back to the 1950s, please, when you got asked to dance and you always knew that you NEVER made the first move.
HE SAYS… YES!
Del Gasan, Founder, Cafe Racers Middle East
It’s absolutely OK! Women can do anything! When most guys meet a girl they like, they think “Does she like me? Does she want to hang out?”… and we all know that we (as men) are terrible psychics. If a girl wants to make the first move, it would only affirm that she likes you. Another reason it might be a good thing for girls to make the first move as we are also not known for being overly perceptive of the signals they put out sometimes. Most girls are probably rolling their eyes saying right now, saying, “Yeah we know guys are oblivious.” Obviously there are guys who think they’re getting signals sometimes that are clearly a NO and make a fool of themselves; however, there are guys that can’t recognise the signals in the first place. Before social media if a man/woman or girl/boy liked someone, they simply introduced themselves and one would ask for the other’s phone number! That was it! Instagram likes and FB clicks seem to have made things a lot easier. Give it a try, a guy will be flattered that you asked for his number or want to hang out. It makes you come off as strong and confident!
THE EXPERT WEIGHS IN…
Devika Mankani, Psychologist, The Hundred Wellness Centre
You’re going to read this and think, “Why do shrinks always respond with ‘it depends’!” Well, because it’s true. On the one hand there are research reports from men stating they enjoy the chase, but unless you are a die-hard evolutionary you’ll know that this doesn’t always apply. In fact, the debate around evolutionary hardwiring and age-old explicit hardwiring is an exciting one and science doesn’t have any clear-cut answers. Yes, men (and women) love a little tease, but who says you can’t do that once you’ve made your move? A 2015 study revealed that a significant number of men were actually relieved when the woman made the first move. They reported verbal and non-verbal indicators including a smile or a wave, which many men defined as the first move. Men like a woman who is confident, and making the first move is a great indicator of being self-assured. Now if you go on to be controlling he may eventually walk away. Likewise, if you don’t have healthy boundaries and some independence he will feel smothered so the key is to be in sync with each other’s personalities and expectations regardless of who actually makes the first move. Besides, if Kim can make the first move on Kanye, then it must be OK, right?