I thought for a very long time that I knew the type of man I wanted. He would be a specific and curated man, my “solution”. He would be a man who would finally make me feel like I was enough.
I would usually meet someone a little emotionally unavailable, a little older and, let’s say, within twenty-four hours, I’m hooked. There would be a growing crevice in my heart dedicated to them; every moment together would feed me. I would tell all of my friends about him and convince myself that this is the kind of love they write stories about.
One day, yet another guy failed to meet my expectations and disappointed me. Despite it being a week-long relationship, it was so painful when everything came crashing down. I realised that fast-paced feeling wasn’t love. I was falling in limerence. And the reason why it felt so intense is not because the connection was so great, but because I was using a man as an escape.
The pedestal vs the reality
“Limerence is not just simply a strong attraction; it is an obsessive emotional state where a person becomes the main source of emotional validation, security, and self-worth,” says Afrah Hamdy, a relationship and confidence coach in Dubai. When a relationship progresses, it is completely normal to ignore minor flaws. In the case of limerence, we tend to ignore reality completely. Counselling psychologist Sahar Salmanian suggests that “the pedestal effect is the tendency to place another person above oneself, seeing them as special, exceptional, or irreplaceable while ignoring their flaws. Rather than relating to a real, complex human being, we relate to an idealised image. At its core, the pedestal effect is driven by fear of loneliness.”
You might put them on such a high pedestal that you can’t even see them anymore; when you look deeper, you might see your own needs staring back at you.
The harsh truth is that I often chose people to be limerent about specifically because they were not available. It is the easiest way to feel the obsessive kind of love without actually experiencing real intimacy or being vulnerable. Real intimacy needs you to show up as a flawed person and be heard by another imperfect person. Limerence enables you to live out a fantasy curated by your brain.
The built-in alarm system
It can be difficult to differentiate between anxiety and excitement. In limerence, you usually notice that your body is switching between a fight or flight response. When constant heart palpitations, lack of appetite, and the disassociation from work are all connected to you not getting a message back in five seconds, your nervous system is sending signals that you may not be in a healthy relationship after all.
Real love, the one that grounds you, makes you feel at peace, like a deep exhale. The real test is if you can be friends with your partner. If you are unable to be sick with them, bored with them or even disagree with them, you’re living in a facade.
The crashout
Limerance first starts with the infatuation, that raw, addictive high, the one that has you up all night thinking about them. Then comes the stage of crystallisation, when you decide that they can solve all your problems and they are the key to your heart. All facades must end, and this end is often the most painful part.
Throughout my formative early twenties, I assumed that the “deterioration” stage meant that the love had ended. It took my frontal lobe to develop for me to understand that it was just the fantasy ending. The sad part of this story was not that they weren’t “the one”. It was that I spent weeks chasing something that wasn’t real, instead of grounding myself and being comfortable in my reality.
Fedaa Hassan, a Clinical Psychologist, talks about how dating responsibly is about deliberate pacing. It helps to check reality by asking: “How does this person treat me consistently, not just emotionally?” Focusing on behaviour rather than feelings can help remove the fog of limerence. Hassan suggests that journaling, limiting constant communication, and noticing emotional reactions rather than acting on them immediately can help people stay connected to themselves while getting to know someone new.
The path to healing
Healing is moving away from the anxious, obsessive energy of limerence into the quiet, grounding space of love.
Get comfortable being in your own company. Limerence grows with low self-esteem. We chase validation from other people when we don’t know how to give that attention inwards. The next time you feel that addictive feeling, ask yourself, am I running away from something in my life?
Every single time you stalk their socials (this is something I need to work on too), reread past messages, you are worsening the addiction. Dr Vassiliki Simoglou, Psychologist and Clinical Director, suggests that the “Next time you feel swept off your feet, make sure to match the love experienced for the other person with a healthy dose of self-love,” she advises. According to Dr Simoglou, the antidote to this obsession is to “preserve some time for yourself and your friends and family, honour your work or study commitments, and keep engaging with your hobbies.” Understanding that peace is more important than passion is the key. Real passion between lovers is cultivated over a lifetime.
On an ongoing journey of understanding myself, I’ve learnt that the journey is not about finding the “one”, but about being a person who is so complete that they don’t feel the need to be saved. Real love should not be an emotional rollercoaster; real love should be steady and vast, so much that it grounds you.
As Afrah suggests, “love is calm, steady, and safe – even when it is passionate. Limerence is intense, urgent, and emotionally consuming. Love builds you. Limerence needs you.”
Next, read about 12 subtle signs your partner is in love with you.