Weight loss isn’t easy, and staying body-positive is a struggle. These are small achievements in the long run because progress isn’t linear, and that’s fine. If there’s one thing I want you to take away from my story today, it’s that we all have triggers that make us dislike our bodies and we need to understand and manage them properly. It’s not a matter of black or white; it’s a journey.
The last article I wrote for Cosmo was 45 kg ago when I was struggling with obesity. Today, I find myself in a physically and mentally healthier place. I will share with you how I achieved this.
Via @rouhana
In 2019, after years of trying different extreme diets due to my fear of “food,” I decided to take the power away from food and eat whatever I wanted. Despite gaining a significant amount of weight (reaching around 115 kg), I felt the most confident and happiest with the way I carried myself.
I decided to embrace the fashion I liked, even though I used to say I would only wear it if I lost weight. I embraced my looks and my body because I realized that even during my skinniest phases (65 kg), I used to hate my appearance and still thought I could be thinner.
This realisation led me to accept myself at my highest points, as my therapist once told me, “If you cannot accept yourself at your highest, you will never accept yourself at your lowest.” Once I made peace with myself, I made the decision to lose weight because I knew I was doing it for the right reasons – my health rather than conforming to superficial beauty standards imposed by diet culture.
On August 28, 2020, I chose to undergo bariatric surgery (Please note, it is always advised to explore non-surgical approaches first). After the surgery, I began losing weight rapidly. However, the real challenge was not the weight loss itself but rather maintaining that weight. To do so, I had to understand and manage my triggers.
Via @rouhana
As someone with body dysmorphia, I knew that comments like “Omg, you’ve lost so much weight, you look great,” could trigger me and lead to instant binge eating. So, whenever I heard such comments, I would respond with “Yes, I feel really healthy!” in order to reinforce the true reason behind my weight loss – my health – rather than associating it with beauty, because my beauty and value are not defined by a number on a scale.
It took me a full year after my surgery to step into the gym because I was afraid. I had spent most of my life at the gym, constantly dieting and struggling to maintain weight loss. If I were to give the gym a second chance, I knew I had to approach it differently.
I hired a personal trainer and explained to them not to monitor my food or make comments like “Let’s exercise to look better.” Words can have a significant impact in ways we may not even realize. Certain things at the gym were particularly triggering for me, such as exercising next to someone with a toned body or looking in the mirror and feeling ugly. When I dissociated due to these triggers, my trainer would either stand in front of the mirror or redirect my attention elsewhere.
Another thing I did to maintain my weight was inform those around me to use the right words (like “healthy” instead of “handsome”) when describing my physical transformation because the last thing I needed was additional social pressure.
Via @rouhana
When I was overweight, I felt more confident because it is what it is. Most trends didn’t suit me, and the diet culture seemed determined to bring me down. I felt I had nothing to lose and decided to embrace what I had, which turned out to be the most fun and experimental time of my life.
When I lost weight, the pressure became real. I realised I could always look better, be more stylish, younger, taller, slimmer… Strangely, people started to like me more. When I was overweight and sarcastic, I was labelled as funny, but when I became skinny, I was labelled as mean. The way people valued me changed based on the number I saw on the scale.
However, as someone who is true to himself, I genuinely didn’t care, and I focused on understanding all the changes I was going through. Sometimes, I still hated my body, and I understood that it’s okay not to feel positive about it all the time. It’s fine to dislike my body because I recognised that feelings are not permanent, and it’s normal not to feel great every day.
One of the main things that reinforced my belief that I was overweight since childhood was my buccal fat (facial fat). No matter how much weight I lost, my facial fat remained because they are a different type of fat. Consequently, I chose to have them removed because they negatively impacted the way I viewed myself.
Via @rouhana
Amidst the pervasive diet culture that constantly tries to make us feel insecure, it’s crucial to remind ourselves that our insecurities stem from external pressures imposed on us, and they do not reflect personal weaknesses. So, take it slow on yourself, your value is much more than a number on the scale, and understand your triggers so you can maintain a healthy lifestyle.