What really holds us back from reaching our ultimate potential? It’s a complicated question but, after a lot of research and conversations with hundreds of thousands of people backing him up, business guru and bestselling author of What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, Marshall Goldsmith has some answers. He partnered with Sally Helgesen to write the ultimate handbook for women, How Women Rise, which gives invaluable advice on how women can make it to the top of their chosen careers, start their own biz and break destructive patterns. Goldsmith was recently in Dubai with acclaimed elective education academy for adults and children, Maison Imperiale that offers classes on a range of topics from art history and current affairs to self-improvement and empowerment. Here, Goldsmith reveals what women especially struggle with and how they can and should change their path of ascent.
1. Reluctance to Claim Your Achievements
A friend recently complimented my outfit. Instead of thanking her, all I said was, “Eek, this old thing? Nah!” Why couldn’t I just have said ‘Thank you’ and moved on? Most women I know pooh pooh their achievements, as if by accepting a compliment they would come across as narcissistic. But there’s a way to accept credit without sounding like you have an ego the size of Mount Kilimanjaro. Goldsmith says, “When singled out for praise, women are more likely to deflect that praise to others than to accept compliments and own their wins.” Here are his dos and don’ts when given praise at work:
Don’t say: “I couldn’t have done it without my colleague / assistant / boss.”
Do say: “Thank you. I worked hard on this.”
2. Explaining Too Much
Many women find themselves clamping down their emotional register in a professional situation, or over-explaining themselves. This is a no-no. By over explaining, you’re giving the other party the opportunity to criticise you.
Don’t say: “Let me start by giving you a little background on this situation…”
Do say: “These are the key facts.”
3. Expecting Others to Spontaneously Notice and Reward Your Hard Work
Maybe it’s centuries of training women to be passive and not aggressive, but most women find it really hard to ask for what they want or rightly deserve. When was the last time you directly asked for a promotion, assignment or an opportunity to advance? This is one of Marshall’s tactics:
Don’t say (to yourself): “They should have known I wanted that promotion.”
Do say (to your boss): “I’m the perfect person for this new role. And here’s why…”
4. Overvaluing Expertise
Now this is a tricky one. We’ve always been taught to be exceptional at what we do. Doing things perfectly and knowing your job inside-out is what makes you the pro that you are. But according to Goldsmith, we’ve been taught wrong. “Being exceptional in your current role is a great strategy for keeping the job you have — but a lousy tactic if your goal is to advance to the next level,” he says.
Don’t say: “I need to understand every aspect of this job and do it extremely well.”
Do say: “What part of this job can I offload to someone else?”
5. Building, Rather Than Leveraging, Relationships
Again, women find it really difficult to ask for what they want. Giving is more natural than a cut-throat exchange of favours. “Most great careers are built not just on talent or hard work, but on the mutual exchange of favours, something men are often more comfortable with than women,” says Goldsmith. So:
Don’t say: “Political games aren’t really my thing.”
Do say: “How can I help her today, so she will help me tomorrow?”
6. Failing to Enlist Allies from Day One
“Women who immediately start building connections (rather than thinking they have to get up to speed before diving in) put themselves in a much stronger position to succeed,” says Goldsmith.
Don’t say: “I’m going to keep my head down until I’m comfortable in my job.”
Do say: “Who do I need to connect with to make this job a success?”
7. Putting Your Job Before Your Career
So you’re swamped with a massive to-do list and can’t see the roadmap ahead. Stop trying to check things off your list and start looking at the bigger picture. Goldsmith’s advice is: “Position yourself for the next move!”
Don’t say: “I’m incredibly loyal to my company.”
Do say: “What’s best for my company and my own career?”
8. The Disease to Please
If you spend all your time focusing on how to make others happy, the only unhappy person in the entire equation will be you. It can totally “erode [women’s] leadership potential.”
Don’t (automatically) say: “I can take care of that for you.”
Do say: “Is this a priority, given all I have to do?”
9. Minimising
According to Goldsmith, “Many women are in the habit of acknowledging the existence of others by trying to make themselves physically smaller, taking a seat at the back of the room, or using language in a way that diminishes what they want to say.” Why would you make yourself smaller to start with? It makes people respect you less.
Don’t say: “I’m sorry to bother you…” “You may have already thought of this…” “This will only take a second.”
Do say: “Here’s my idea.” “Here’s what I need.”
10. The Perfection Trap
According to Goldsmith, women are often so concerned about making a mistake that they lose the chance to make the kind of bold, visionary move that will get them noticed and promoted. The verdict? Stop playing it safe and take some risks!
Don’t say: “If I never mess up, I’ll never get fired.”
Do say: “I have the courage to try it.”
11. Ruminating
If you made a mistake, just get over it. Spending time regretting what you did for hours, days and weeks on end, will only make you lose confidence and feel worse.
Don’t say: “I messed up. This is a disaster. I can’t believe what I did…”
Do say: “I messed up. I’ll get over it, and they will, too.”
12) Letting Your Radar Distract You
STOP caring about what others think about you. It gets you absolutely nowhere and only ends up making you paranoid and doubting yourself. It’s your life, your career and your path! Follow it to the best of your ability.
Don’t say: “I wonder how they’re perceiving me right now?”
Do say (to yourself): “I am committed to being clear, direct and focused.”
An abridgement of How Women Rise by Marshall Goldsmith and Sally Helgesen. The author was recently in Dubai with acclaimed elective education academy for adults and children, Maison Imperiale
(www.maisoni.com @maisonimperiale)