ALOT has happened since we last visited The Hills. Brody and Kaitlynn are over (IRL, not yet on the show), Justin Bobby and Audrina are finished for now, and Stephanie was invited to Spencer and Heidi’s Thanksgiving, where we learned that Brody went off on her so hard he had to be held back.
In other news: Mischa missed out on her dream role, Justin brought a new date to Frankie’s friendsgiving, and Whitney Port must be so mad she missed all of THIS.
We talked to Spencer Pratt to get the gravy (sorry) on what went down on Thanksgiving. This episode gave him a lot to be thankful for.
On finally being allowed to talk about Brody and Kaitlynn’s breakup:
OH MY GOD! I can’t believe that Brody’s over here pretending he’s husband of the year—giving Speidi marriage advice—when he has never been legally married in the U.S. of A.
“Oh, I’m Brody, I don’t like to party without my wife.” Hold up, dude: Do you even have a wife? That’s not what I read on TMZ. I swear to god I’m going to light these fools up on season two. I’ve been out here trying to be nice, let everyone get their bearing, but I’m a Tasmanian Devil. The gloves are off now. Let’s go!
By the way, I knew their marriage wasn’t real. I already addressed it with Brody, and he said he didn't want to marry her because he didn't want her to have access to Linda's money.
I knew when I wasn't invited to the wedding it wasn't a real wedding, because I know if Brody was legally getting married, he would have loved to have had me there Snapchatting the whole thing.
He must have known that if I wasted money on a flight to fricking Indonesia for a fake wedding, I would have come to his bank and said, "pay up, pay for my ticket." I want an appearance fee. I don't do fake. You want me at your fake wedding? I’ll send you a video on Cameo. Standard messaging rates apply. I appreciate him looking out for his former best friend like that.
On Brody and Kaitlynn talking about him in the press:
Their manager said: "Even though they're not together, Brody and Kaitlynn still share their dislike for Spencer and his divisive ways."
Hey guys, can we not cut and paste opinions about Donald Trump? I'm not divisive. I’m not separating America. I’m calling two pathological liars out for pretending to be a married couple for 12 episodes, when they’re boyfriend and girlfriend who sleep with other people. Do what you want, but don’t lie about it. I like both of you way less than you like me. How about that?
And guess what: Kaitlynn’s dating a new guy. People already came asking me if I knew about Kaitlynn’s new boyfriend all along. No, People Magazine, but I had my assumptions. Now you know: She’s already back off the market.
want that on season two. I want Kaitlynn Carter—never actually Kaitlynn Jenner—front and center when we come back. Let’s get her a contract because I’m very invested in following the story of her new relationship and her new life. I'm way more excited to watch Brody and Kaitlynn being single than I was with them being a couple. Even though they were also technically single before.
TMZ asked me for comment. I told them to check Cosmo on Tuesday.
On Mischa not getting the part she’s been talking about all season:
I actually heard Audrina’s friend Joey got it.
The one good thing for Mischa is that now that she’s a reality star she’s in front of more cameras than she ever would have been just auditioning. Start some more drama. Get your own show. I’m definitely waiting for her to light up season two because she’s already overshadowing any scripted work that she’s done.
I hope she keeps going for it. As a fan, I love watching her try to do accents.
On Spencer’s parents pulling out of Thanksgiving just 10 minutes before Stephanie arrives:
We don’t always do Thanksgiving together with my parents, so this was going to be kind of special. Our excitement at seeing them was a very real moment. But my mom is obviously the OG. She has some serious reality star DNA, because she hit us with a zinger that none of us could see coming on this blessed day.
They pulled out 10 minutes before Stephanie Pratt showed up. The only logic for us to have Stephanie there in the first place was that my mom and dad would be there to keep the peace and taste-test the food for poison.
I hope my mom was paid off by the producers, because that was cold. Oh, her back hurt too much for her to come? She was fine that morning! Stephanie could have just stayed and helped her! But no, you send that hellspawn our way?
Okay, mom. I’ll deal with this behavior on season 2.
My mom just broke her leg and is recovering, so Heidi wants me to stop talking about Stephanie so my mom can heal without stress. But if mom doesn’t make it, you know who tampered with her pills.
On his relationship with Stephanie:
Please put in the recap that I’m being as nice as possible here. My mom says we’re fueling Stephanie’s behavior with what we say and we don’t need to put any more gasoline on that fire.
Stephanie’s already done all these things on camera, but my mom wants to act like that never happened, which is not the case because we're journalists, and I'm sorry, Mom, but we don't do fake news over at Cosmopolitan.com.
Let me tell you one thing, though: It’s hilarious that Stephanie thinks we would eat something she makes. Does she think that we’re dumb? We sent that bread off to be tested for anthrax. No, no, no. We’re not that stupid. Not even Justin Bobby asked for a bite and he’s not the smartest guy I’ve ever met.
On what really happened when Brody snapped at Stephanie:
I don't even think I got a bite of stuffing in before Stephanie started talking about it. As a fan and a cast member, it was just too good to be true. For us to get the real Brody in a scene? Finally! But I lost interest as soon as I learned that the cameras weren’t rolling — what am I supposed to do? Trust Stephanie? Right.
But she’s got some very credible witnesses. And It’s insane that Justin and Frankie had to pull him away from her. Whoa, buddy, you need to calm down, as Taylor Swift would say.
Stephanie says she just came up to Brody and said, “how’s it been in the real world?” but even when she was telling me the story it seems like she was trying to rile him up. And this wasn’t a Tuesday at noon, you know? I'm sure Brody at 3am, under the influence, and with PTSD from fighting the Malibu fires all by himself was just like, “are you trying to fight me?” Especially after Audrina told him what happened in Vegas.
But you know what? It doesn’t matter what she said because when the best thing anyone can say is “well, he didn’t hit her,” you know that’s no good. None of that is okay.
On Justin Bobby bringing a new date to thanksgiving:
Instead of treating Audrina like a human being with hurt feelings, Stephanie's like, "See, he’s got a new girl? You ready to say sorry?" It's like, no, give people a chance to process their feelings.
Just because Justin brought in a different girl doesn't mean you two didn't leave Vegas arm-in-arm last week. Another girl doesn't change that Stephanie made a run for Justin. Audrina will never have anything to apologize for.
Did Stephanie hook up with Justin Bobby? I don’t call my sister, so I can’t say. Did she mess with Audrina and Justin’s dynamic? Come on.
I can’t believe we didn’t see Stephanie get on her broom and fly out of that party, cackling.
On the cast’s treatment of Lindsey, Justin’s new “we don’t know what it is yet.”
They’re not ready for this girl when she gets her own chyron.
On Audrina and Justin Bobby’s relationship:
They’re going to end up together on The Hills season 10. They’re the Alex and Juliette of this show.