The magic of the wizarding world has been in our lives for over two decades now (congrats, you’re super old), and the messages in the beloved stories by JK Rowling have well and truly stood the test of time. Friendship, love, bravery—it’s all stuff that means just as much in 2018 as it did in 1997.
But err... let’s be honest, it’s probably fair to say that some parts of the Harry Potter stories haven’t stayed quite as relevant as the rest. Seeing as Harry was born on 31st July 1980, that means he entered Hogwarts in 1991, so it’s actually an absolute nineties-fest when you really think about it.
Ignoring the minor fact that y’know, the whole Voldy problem could have been solved fairly quickly with the invention of the internet, here’s a few, slightly more subtle ways that Harry Potter would be very different if it was set today.
1. The wizarding world fashion would absolutely not be the same.
Yes, there’s the whole thing about wizards trying their best and failing to quite blend in properly, but these kids still live in a functioning muggle society - especially Hermione and other muggle borns, who literally have no excuse to look this weird.
Their obsession with coloured fleeces, striped knitwear, blazers over t-shirts and bootleg jeans is NOT be a thing in 2018. Ron is in a Boohoo Man tracksuit, Harry in his ASOS best and Hermione has a pair of Pretty Little Thing leggings in her wardrobe that she bought from Fleur Delacour's Instagram story swipe up affiliate link.
2. “Alexa, how do I find a Horcrux?”
Dumbledore wasn’t exactly the most helpful head teacher in the world when he made a swift exit without actually letting 17-year-old Harry in on how to defeat the darkest wizard known to man. Bit of a ‘mare, really. Luckily, there’s an Amazon Alexa in the Gryffindor common room, so Ron, Hermione and HP can just quickly quiz her on “Alexa, what’s the best way to track down a few horcruxes and how do we get rid of them?”
“Here’s what I found about horcruxes. You’re going to need a basilisk fan, the sword of Gryffindor, and you also need to die first, Harry.”
3. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft, Wizardry, and Non-Gender Specific Magic
Look, this is 2018. We all know by now that gender is very much a spectrum, and that applies to folks in the wizarding world just as much as it does the muggle one. Not everyone identifies as a witch or wizard, and Hogwarts is a loving home that’s all about inclusivity. It's officially renamed Hogwarts School of Witchcraft, Wizardry, and Non-Gender Specific Magic.
4. Death Eaters would hold a vote of no confidence in Voldemort.
As Harry, Ron and Hermione started to track down the horcruxes, and Voldemort grew weaker, it’s fair to say that a fair few of the Death Eaters would have been losing faith and confidence in their leader’s ability to carry them through into a pureblood society.
In 2018, rather than sticking with his campaign, it’s highly likely that the Carrows, Barty Crouch Jr, Dolohov and Karkaroff would head to the Wizengamot Chambers and lead a vote of no confidence to get him out. PURE BLOOD MEANS PURE BLOOD.
5. Snape would never have passed an OFSTED inspection.
Of course, we all know now that Severus Snape is the real hero of the Harry Potter saga, but his teaching methods were somewhat questionable. Whacking students around the head with text books, telling kids that life isn’t fair, ordering them to turn to page 394 when they’ve only just started learning about red caps and hinkypunks…
Anyone who went to school in the nineties can back be up when I say that things would NOT fly now like they did then. OFSTED are having words with Dumbledore about his Potions master.
6. The Hogwarts Express would come with free wifi.
No one is expecting kids to be on a train journey for hours on end without checking their social media or watching Netflix anymore. The Hogwarts Express is definitely now equipped with free wifi. It’s probably better to log on in the Ravenclaw carriage because they’ve figured out how to up the speed to the maximum capability, and the password is AL0H4M0R4.
7. Umbridge would be the most Trump-esque tweeter.
You just know that Umbridge would be all over social media. Her profiles would be entirely pink, her Instagram feed would be full of cats, she’d always use the bow emoji, and her tweets would be easily mistaken for something that Trump had written to the wizarding world.
Umbride writes: “The Daily Prophet would never pick me as Witch of the Year despite being the big favourite. TOGETHER WE WILL MAKE HOGWARTS GREAT AGAIN. I will have ORDER. Despite the constant student backlash, covfefe.”
8. Teenagers running Dumbledore's Army would be loads easier.
Dumbledore’s Army got off to a strong start, but things got messy after Hermione left a list lying around with all the names on, and Cho Chang ended up blurting out all of their goss under some truth telling serum. Twitter would make the whole thing so much easier.
Each member can just have a secret account with a username like @diehardumbledore, and they could keep everything strictly under the hashtag. Surely the Room of Requirement would provide them all with iPads too, so they're sorted.
9. Jamie Oliver would campaign against the feasts in the Great Hall.
Turkey twizzlers couldn’t survive the nineties, so do you really think that the full spread at Hogwarts would make the cut if Jamie Oliver got involved? The books talk about Hogwarts students tucking into roast beef, pork chops, sausages, steak and kidney pie, roast potatoes, AND chips.
THEN they have dessert, too. There's apple pies, spotted dick, chocolate gateau, treacle tart, pumpkin tart, chocolate éclairs and jam doughnuts, trifle, strawberries, jelly, and rice pudding. Oliver and his sugar tax campaigns are at the Great Hall doors before you can say 'Quidditch'.
10. Fred and George would have their own YouTube channel.
Have you been to your local shopping precinct recently? Thanks to Amazon dominating the novelty toy and gift industry, there’s absolutely no chance that Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes would survive on the modern day high street. Instead, there’s only one career path that pranksters can possibly succeed in these days, and that’s YouTube.
“HEY GUYS, welcome back to the Weasley channel. Today, George and I are collabing with Logan and Jake Paul, and we’ve got the BEST prank on Umbridge to show you. Don’t forget to hit that thumbs up button with your wand.”
11. Harry is picked up by the Knight Uber when he leaves the Dursleys.
Seriously, who gets the bus in Surrey anymore? Seeing as he’s got a bit of money sitting in Gringotts, it’s dark and rainy outside, AND there’s a giant black dog looming in the bushes, Harry won't even think twice about swishing his want and shouting “ACCIO UBER” in this day and age. Sod the Knight Bus.
12. The Order of the Phoenix wouldn’t need Grimauld Place.
The whole point of Sirius offering Grimmauld Place to the Order of the Phoenix is so that they can all meet up to discuss their plan of action against the dark lord. But who needs to traipse across London to a headquarters when you can just have a WhatsApp group?
It’d probably be set up by Arthur Weasley who’d call it ‘DREAM TEAM lol’ and I’m pretty sure there’s no phoenix emoji though, so they might have to use the chicken.
13. Victor Krum would appear on Love Island.
Sort of like Marcel in 2017, once his career in the spotlight is done and dusted, Victor Krum can make his reality television debut on ITV’s Love Island. He’ll be interviewed by Sirius Flack, and take a trip to Casa Alohamora, and will casually drop into conversation “Hey, did I ever tell you that I used to be a member of the Bulgarian Quidditch team?"
Unfortunately, his romances won't last because he never quite got over Hermione properly.
14. David Attenborough would make a Dynasties episode about Hippogriffs and Thestrals.
"Now that Hermione has used her time turner, and Fudge has abandoned the original decree of death, Buckbeak is safe... for now."
15. And Louis Theroux would do a documentary called Meeting the Malfoys.
It would be all about the rise and fall of one of wizarding society’s most privileged and ancient families. Louis would ask all about Lucious’s involvement in the Death Eaters, and Draco’s turbulent relationship with the famous Harry Potter, but once they both reveal their long forgotten Dark Marks, Louis mutters: “I didn’t know what I’d just seen, but I knew it was time for me to leave.”
16. And last but not least, Dumbledore would sort Harry out with some decent therapy.
Harry will probably be labelled as a 'special snowflake' in 2018. But hey, he's had a rough ride, alright?
H/T Cosmo UK