“Should we break up?” It’s a tough question to ask…and a hard decision for anyone to make, especially these days. More and more people now believe that certain common problems that were once seen as deal breakers (e.g., infidelity, infertility, mental illness) can be overcome if your overall values align and you have mutual respect. And in many cases, this proves to be true.
That said, there are still some nuanced issues or chronic annoyances that, over time, can build up layers of frustration, disappointment, and conflict to the point when they become worth splitting over. It’s important to remember: Breakups are not always just one person’s fault, and it’s valuable to know when your bond is at its breaking point.
If you suspect a romantic rift is in your future, read through this list of relationship killers (some subtle, some more overt) to help determine if you should stay or go.
There’s a lack of enthusiasm
A key breakup-worthy problem I see in my office is having a chronically ambivalent -partner (or being one yourself). Maybe you’ve been together for four years but you have only a drawer at their place and they haven’t met your family. Or you keep asking them to make a decision about the next step in your relationship, but they don’t know what they want…in life or with you. They may say they can’t live without you but then never actually commit to living with you. This push and pull will erode your sense of self-worth and fill you with self-doubt.
You are never satisfied
Another reason couples implode: One or both members feel a growing sense of disillusionment. If you find yourself consistently -making petty comments to your partner, belittling them, or pointing out their every shortcoming, this may be a sign that you are trying to -sabotage or escape your relationship. Sound familiar? Deciding to separate now can spare you and your mate more pain later.
DOES YOUR BOND ONLY EXIST BECAUSE YOU DO ALL THE WORK?
Promises go unfulfilled
When you’re with someone who likes to make guarantees but breaks them repeatedly, that’s a sign they will likely never keep their word. On my podcast, I spoke to a couple in which a man was always reassuring his partner that they would move back to her hometown, but he kept coming up with excuses for why he couldn’t. Eventually, they broke up because it was clear he’d never follow through with the relocation.
The effort is one-sided
Does your bond only exist because you do all the work? Do you make all the plans, ask all the questions? If so, your significant other is not carrying their fair share of weight. Of course, you can rationalize little moments of imbalance, but when you look back and add up the days, months, or years of evidence...and it’s you who always makes the effort, it’s not an equal partnership. (By the way, the opposite is also true: If your lover shoulders everything, it’s you who is being unfair and setting the stage for a break.)
Big lies have been hidden
Wild as it may sound, confessions like “I had a child before we met” or “My father was in jail” are not necessarily deal breakers if they are revealed in the early stages of a partnership. But if you or your S.O. has deliberately hidden a major shocker for a long time or omitted details that will affect both of your lives, it can seriously erode your trust in each other. What’s more, it can make the oblivious partner feel like they have been unknowingly and unwillingly lured into something. That’s never a good sign.
You feel alone by their side
If you constantly feel lonely while spending time with your partner, they may not be providing you with the emotional support you need. It can be unbearable to feel isolated when your mate is right next to you. Rather than try to stick it out, realize that it’s more than possible to find -someone who makes you feel more connected.
You just can’t forgive
In some relationships, one person may be unable to move past a breach of trust, even though both people have committed to working it out together. If you’ve had endless talks, swapped countless heartfelt apologies, or even gotten professional counseling but one of you just can’t let go or move forward, it might be time to cut ties. In situations such as these, it can be nearly impossible for partners to reestablish trust with each other, which means the relationship will likely never rediscover solid ground.
H/T Cosmo US